My Hands Full
There they were. Obviously sisters because of their uncanny resemblance, they were walking through the same exhibit my family was. One of them had strapped to her front a baby carrier with perhaps a 7-month old little girl. This same lady was pushing a double stroller with a boy and a girl, both under the age of 4. Her sister was also pushing a twin stroller, but in this one rode a set of twins...two tiny babies in carriers.
Two ladies, 5 children between them. I couldn't imagine all it had taken to get them out the door, to this place, where not one of them was crying, everyone seemed happy, and both of the moms were wearing makeup and had their hair fixed (meaning it was not in a ponytail or mom-bun). They looked so pretty. They looked so happy. They made it look so easy.
Rewind my life about 8 years...
Unbalanced and disheveled, I carried a babe on my hip and had my daughter's hand in mine. We were lucky that we had even made it to the grocery store in one piece. Ponytail and sans makeup, my "goal" for the day was to make it to Wal-Mart and back home with everyone still intact. My once-comprehensive to-do list had been reduced to simply buying food for my family. And, it wasn't pretty. Trying to coordinate eating schedules and napping schedules and work schedules and diaper changes and potty breaks...I was NOT one of those moms who made it look pretty or simple.
On this particular outing, a man remarked to me that I sure did have my hands full. I felt like I was a failure at this whole mom thing.
You see, I had always thought that I knew how being a mom would go. Your kids have needs; you move earth to see to it that their needs were met. Nursing a baby around the clock every 2 hours? If that's what she needs, then that's what I'll do. Spending the day looking for ways to entertain and stimulate their imaginations? No problem. I can sleep and clean and eat later. Holding my baby boy while trying to work from home? One day, he won't need me to hold him. Then I'll be able to get all my work done.
"Life" takes on a life of its own when you become a mom. I never expected I would be so tired. I never thought about feeling guilty all the time. I never thought I would wonder what I did with all that free time I had before. In short, all the "mom instincts" that I thought I had never materialized. I have spent nearly 12 years now trying to figure it out.
Back to that day in the grocery store, when that man told me I had my hands full, a part of me collapsed inside. It was in that moment though that I decided that anyone who ever told me that again would receive this response:
"My hands are full of blessings, and I wouldn't have it any other way."
I didn't suddenly become a more organized mom. I'm sure that I still looked disheveled. But something changed inside of me that day, and I knew that even though I wasn't "Mom of the Year" material, I was right where I had always dreamed of being. I was a happily married woman who had the privilege of having two healthy children and was getting to stay home with them.
Fast forward back to the present...
Now my kids are halfway grown. No one sees me in the store anymore and tells me that I have my hands full.
But I know I still do.
