And If Not, He is Still Good
Hopefully, you've had the opportunity to read my introductory post regarding our struggle with secondary infertility. Monroe and I have been married for nearly sixteen years and have two remarkable children Grace and Clark. We have been wanting another child since 2010. We had a miscarriage two years ago. There is no explanation for why we have not been able to conceive and have another child.
I have spent much time waiting rather than moving on. Although God has not answered my prayer for another baby, these years have not been wasted. He's been growing me, testing my faith, and He's been waiting on me. Instead of growing me "up", He's been growing me "down". I've spent more time down on my knees in prayer than ever before. Instead of growing a baby inside of me, He's been growing my heart to love Him and to love others. And despite any heartache I've had, He still gives me joy.
At first, we thought it would eventually happen. After all, we are still young enough and healthy. We waited in expectation, just knowing our lives would be changing soon. It was all just around the corner.
The days and the months and finally the years came and went. Since I have been pregnant before, I just knew I would be able to tell when I was pregnant again before having to take a test. I have thought I felt symptoms of pregnancy. When any little thing felt different, I would go to the internet, looking up signs and symptoms of early pregnancy. Every time I would take a negative test, I felt loss. How could I feel like I was losing something that I never had to begin with? Our children asked when there would be a baby in mommy's tummy. It was so hard just to give them the answer that it would happen when God wanted it to. We finally started answering that it would happen if God wanted it to.
At first, my heart ached when we were around pregnant mothers. Although happy for my pregnant friends, I would feel the twinge of jealously. I so desperately wanted to be counted among the pregnant women. I was one of those women who loved being pregnant. Knowing that you are carrying life, that a baby is growing inside of you, feeling them move, planning for their arrival, waiting to meet them, wondering what they are going to be like, even maternity clothes...all of these things I treasured, I missed. Knowing what I know now, I regret that I did not celebrate these things more when I was pregnant. I have fear that I will never have this opportunity again.
When I was pregnant two years ago, I had so much joy in those few days. Even when I knew that a miscarriage was imminent, I determined that I would not let anything steal the joy that I had in being pregnant again, even if for a short time. When I did miscarry, I thought I could not cry enough tears to ever get over the pain. I remember the aching, waves of grief. But even then, I held onto the joy that I had felt. My children, all three of them, bring me overflowing joy.
There are days now that begin with me thinking that I should have a baby, a toddler, right now. Sometimes I relive my miscarriage. Some days, I have to go into a room and cry just to let it out. I have bargained with God and made promises and tried to figure out why this has happened. I thought that maybe my life was so marred with sin so that this was some sort of punishment for me. I have prayed for forgiveness; I have prayed for understanding. I have stopped praying for a baby because I thought since it has been this long, maybe there is a good reason for us not to have one; maybe I don't want God to change His mind. Maybe with another baby, something would change in our lives that I could not handle. I have dissected this situation countless ways.
One thing that has been important for me to learn is that people who are hurting or who have suffered in the past usually want to share their experiences. Since I've been through miscarriage and infertility, I am not afraid to speak to others who have dealt with similar experiences. I have often had people say that they are afraid to talk to me about our miscarriage because they don't want to upset me or remind me of it. Anyone who has had loss in their life knows that it is on your mind whether you are talking about it or not. Most of our friends know that we have been wanting a baby for a long time. I know that it can make for an uncomfortable moment when they want to know what's going on, and there's nothing new to report. I appreciate my friends who still ask me how it's going.
I know that I should be thankful, and I am. I love my children and spend as much time as possible with them. I play games with them, read to them, tell them stories, make special things for them, take them special places, and try to make them laugh. We try to have fun even doing the repetitive things of life. I feel gratitude to God that they are healthy and that they have such loving hearts. I know that Grace and Clark may be the only children I ever have, and so I consider them even more special gifts of God. Every day, I try to make special moments and let them know how much they mean to me. I don't want to miss any opportunities that I have to enjoy them and soak up the time that I have with them.
I have said before that I was able to move past the pain of my miscarriage by reading the Psalms. I continue to pursue God through reading the Bible and also through worship. One of my favorite parts of going to church is worship through singing. The words of the hymns and choruses remind me that He is in control and sees me no matter where I am. I try to focus on offering Him my heart, knowing that He is sovereign, and I accept His will as part of the goodness that is Him.
Another thing I realize is that Monroe and I are not dealing with a life and death situation. Infertility is part of our story, but it is not our story. We have health, and we have food to eat, clean water, and a home to live in. In the midst of dealing with this issue, we do not get so focused on it that we lose sight of all we have.
I cannot emphasize to you enough how God has been there for me through all these events and all the emotions. He's listened when I've been angry; He's carried me through sadness; He's encouraged me when I felt desperate; He's loved me more than enough through it all. I came across the words below the other day, and I knew it was right.
