When You Know the Name of Your Enemy
For six years, Monroe and I have been wanting to have another baby. In the midst of this time, we have seen four different doctors. On May 2, 2014, we experienced a miscarriage. This piece is the first of two posts regarding our journey with infertility. On this second anniversary of the loss of our baby, I am finally ready to begin sharing my story.
To be honest, I'm not sure what to think of this post. It was written easily, and my thoughts were clear. But there is more. This piece was written on a "good" day. This post is missing the raw emotion that is present on a "bad" day. In order to understand the whole story and maybe touch where you are right now, I also have to show you what's on the "bad" days. I have experienced infertility for long enough now that I have mostly "good" days. I can think about and talk about it without breaking down. This post is important to me, but it is only one side of a complex story.
I can quote Scripture and point fingers at the enemy, but that is because I have had to know him and find ways to "fight" against him. I have experienced the fear and discouragement and sadness that comes. I do not want someone who is in the midst of a trial to think that I've got it all figured out. I do not want to sound "churchy". I want to be real. And, I want to point you to Jesus; for all things to glorify Him. He is the Source of my healing.
I'm writing this to let you know that there's more to it. This piece is an introduction to what's going on. Part II will follow soon.
"When you know the name of your enemy, you can defeat him in battle."
In my early twenties, I had a medical condition for which I went to the doctor for treatment. Unfortunately, I was experiencing symptoms of something that was not commonly studied, and I ended up seeing three different doctors before I had an answer. When I consulted with the third doctor, he opened the dialogue with the quote from above. He then proceeded to give me both the name of the condition and the treatment. In time, I was cured and had no additional problems.
Again, a decade later, I suffered from another medical condition that baffled my doctor. After seeing four different doctors over the course of eighteen months, our family traveled from our home in Texas to Charleston, South Carolina, to see a specialist. My problem was not critical, but it required the knowledge of someone who had experience in treating my symptoms. And, thankfully, once again, the doctor was quickly able to discern the problem and offer the means to a solution.
In both of these medical examples, the "enemy" was identified and ultimately conquered. However, I currently have a medical condition that there does not appear to be a "cure" for. Monroe and I are experiencing a "case" of secondary infertility. It is defined as "the inability to become pregnant or to carry a pregnancy to term following the birth of one or more biological children in which there was not any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications". We have been praying for another child for six long years. Two years ago, after our miscarriage, we decided to see a specialist to determine if there were physical problems. Thankfully, Monroe and I are both healthy. The doctors cannot determine why we have been unable to have another child. After much prayer, we have pursued all that we felt we should do to assist us in getting pregnant. We have done everything we can do~we must acknowledge that God Himself has deemed that this is what His plan for us is at this time. From a human perspective, we have the enemy's name, but we have not defeated him. I am sure there are many of you who can relate to this~we have a diagnosis, a name, but it has not led us to a victory in battle. We acknowledge the battle; we think we know the enemy, and we feel anything but victorious.
But, from a spiritual perspective, I finally feel that I am a victor in this battle. I realize that our enemy is not the diagnosis. Our enemy is not God because He has not allowed us to conceive. Our enemy is Satan because he uses every means available to defeat us and cause us to distrust God. Remember Job; he lost much in a short time. God had allowed Satan to work against Job so that ulimately Job's relationship with God would be stronger and so that he would grow. Job recognized his enemy was not God and therefore would not curse Him. Likewise, Satan prowls around us like a lion looking to kill and destroy us. He will tempt us to think that God is not doing us right. He will tempt us to doubt in God's goodness. He is looking to destroy our relationship with God and to destroy our witness to others.
Our enemy is Satan. The Bible, God's Word, tells us that we are children of God. Satan is an already-defeated enemy. God tells us what to wear for protection for our battles. But, thankfully, He does not expect us to fight this battle. One of the most remarkable stories in the Bible is in Exodus when God has led the Israelites out of slavery, out of Egypt. They are soon faced with a problem that there is no earthly solution for. They are "trapped" between the pursuing Egyptians and the vastness of the Red Sea. There were more than 600,000 people, like sitting ducks, unable to move forward, and unwilling to go back. They knew their enemy; they were unable to fight the Egyptian army, and Moses says to them in Exodus 14:13-14:
"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Our journey has not been without pain. We have questions that remain unanswered. We do not understand, and it has taken a long time to get to where we are today. But, like Job, we will not curse God. Like Moses, we will wait to see how the Lord will deliver us. We expect Him to do the impossible. We have no idea what that might be. We will wait on the Lord because He takes situations that are impossible for man and gives victory. Just as our enemy is not our diagnosis, our victory is not having another child. Our victory is in our hope in the Living God who is all-powerful and all-knowing and promises us in His Word that He is working everything for our good. He is bringing us into closer fellowship with Him. We will fully rely on Him and say, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord."
