Saggy Elbows
The other morning at the breakfast table, I caught Clark's throw up in my bare hands. A piece of bacon did not go down just right for my little boy who has always been a easy-gagger. Grace was disgusted by the mishap and insisted that she would never do that. I told her that it's just one of the many perks of motherhood.
I always thought I was "born" to be a mother. I had wanted to get married and have lots of babies. It turned out that I had a lot to learn about how to be a mother. When Grace was born, those motherly instincts that I thought I had were nowhere to be found.
At first, when they handed her to me, I could not believe that I was her mother. Grace was a beautiful baby with clear skin, a perfectly rounded head, dark blue eyes, little wisps of brown hair, and she cried very little. At least, there was very little crying while we were in the hospital. It took Grace about two nights at home with us for her to realize that she was dealing with amateurs. That's when things started getting a little harder than either Monroe or I realized they would be. Between the physical discomforts, the lack of sleep, and just being generally overwhelmed, I first began thinking about how I was not ready to be a mom yet. I felt like God had made a mistake by giving us a baby that I was not so sure that I could take care of.
I know that I had expecations of myself that were too unrealistic and too high. I have always tried to be a perfectionist. I had to learn that I would make many mistakes. I read some valuable information from another mother. She said that we were destined to make mistakes, but it would be how we handled those mistakes that would shape our relationships. If we admitted our failings and asked for forgiveness, we could rely on the grace of God to cover our weaknesses. The verse I began to rely on was from 2 Corinthians 12:9 that said that when we were weak, God's strength could work in us.
I am thankful for the relationship that I have had and continue to have with Grace. She has been a physical manifestation of God's love and grace for me here on earth. Grace expresses her love for us by giving us words of encouragement and love. She writes us cards, makes us things, and leaves us notes to find that express her love to us. To be the recipient of these tokens of her love is one of the best perks of motherhood.
When I found out I was pregnant a second time, I just knew that we would be having a boy. Honestly, I was afraid that I would not be able to love him the same way that I loved Grace. I knew what to do with a girl; I did not know what to expect with a boy. However, I knew everything would be ok within the first hour after Clark was born. After he was born and the family came in to meet him, he started crying. Then they laid him on my chest, he snuggled up to me, relaxed, and feel asleep. We learned that Clark receives and gives love through physical touch. When I nursed him, he used his little hands and rubbed my skin. By the time he was a few months old, he would rub the fleshy part of my elbows. In fact, he did not just rub my elbows when he was eating; my elbows became a source of comfort to him anytime. My little boy will be eight years old next week, and he still rubs my elbows when he sits in my lap and before bedtime. Over the years, my elbows have become slightly stretched by the amount they have been rubbed. I tease Monroe that the only plastic surgery I'll ever have is an elbow tuck. But really, I do not care if he never stops rubbing my elbows. I am thankful that he finds comfort in something so simple.
As Grace and Clark have grown, they have surprised and delighted us with the things they say and do. We have been amazed by their capabilities and how they absorb so much from their surroundings. Their level of compassion moves us as they love on people of all shapes and sizes, ages and colors.
I have learned how to be a mother from Grace and from Clark. They continue to teach me, and the love and pride I have for them I sometimes cannot hold inside. I will feel a lump rising in my throat, and I cannot keep the tears from sliding down my face. Some days have gone slowly, but the years have flown by.
Over the years, there have been many aspects of motherhood that have surprised me. Having a child is something that no one can prepare you for. It is a 25-hour-a-day, 8-days-a-week job. I am a stay-at-home mom who works part-time from home while homeschooling Grace and Clark. I respect greatly the women who balance their lives between an outside job and the one inside the home. Being a mother is anything but easy. I am thankful for Monroe who encourages me. He is an integral part of who I am as a mom.
If anyone were to ask me for my advice about being a mom, I would have to say three things. Number one...love your children like there is no tomorrow. Hug them and kiss them. Show them how much you love them. Do not put off something for tomorrow if it is within your ability to do it today. Number two...be the mom that you want your children to remember. Stop and take the time to listen to their stories, answer their questions, play that game, and remind them that they can come to you for anything. Make today count with your words and actions. Make good memories with your children. Do not yell at them. Finally, pray. There have been many mornings that I have started by praying for specific things for Grace and Clark, and then I end up praying that God would help me show them His love through my actions and words that day. I have prayed that He will help them to forgive me for the times I will fail. I thank Him for entrusting them to our care. I acknowledge my full reliance on Him.
I have noticed that since I had children, I also have more lines in my face. Grace and Clark have brought me more joy than I could deserve in a lifetime, and those lines are there because I have laughed hard and smiled often. Those lines and my saggy elbows are just perks of my job.